We’ll I’ve never had this happen before. Ive been on my own for the past month, no friends or family, just me and my thoughts battling it out for control. But I can’t win, my thoughts always come back to you, and how fucking terrible I fucked up. I kick myself every waking moment for being a complete fucking jackoff. I hate myself. I do. Without a doubt. Im in love with you, not some puppy crush, not as a girlfriend, not as a friend. I could never settle for any less than spending the rest of my life with you. But thanks to my idiotic moronic asshole of a self, I’ll never have a chance. To know that I’ll never be the one you love, the one that makes you smile and laugh, the one that makes your cheeks turn bright red, the one to hold you so tightly and never let go, the one to kiss that beautiful gorgeous face, the one to brush your hair out of your face, the one that holds your hand always. God I mss holding your hand, just that touch, when I can feel your nervousness and you mine. God your so beautiful. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I wish on all wishes on all of everything for another chance. I wouldn’t screw it up, theres no way I could, I love you way too much. Ive never felt this way, I stay awake all night thinking about you until my body shuts off. I write songs about you, I write things like this way too often. I sit and I think, I think about you. I don’t deserve another chance, I won’t ever get one. I fucked up, too badly to be forgiven, too much to forget. Im so sorry, so so so sorry. A billion zillion times over and over, I wish I could go back to freshman year the first time I saw you and walk up to you ask you on a date and never let you go. But I’m a dumbass, and time traveling isn’t real. I want to talk to you every night before I go to sleep, I want to tell you my innermost darkest secrets, I want you to know me inside and out, I want you to be the only one to know me, I don’t want to find anyone else, Im in love with you. WHY THE FUCK AM I SUCH A GODDAMN FUCKING IDIOT? Theres a tear coming out of my eye, I don’t cry. You do this to me. I did it to you, why shouldn’t I suffer, I deserve to suffer. God why.. Why god? Why did you ever let me meet her, why did you do this to me. Why? I demand an answer for this bonafide fucking pain in my chest. I wish you could hear my thoughts, see them, see how badly I want to be with you, how hard I would try to get you to fall back in love with me. Please read my thoughts, I promise Im telling the truth, Im in love with you, Im not lying, I swear. I swear I am, there’s not a doubt in my mind. You are the most amazing person in the entire world and anywhere else. No one could ever compare, no matter how much you deny it. You are an angel, your everything I love in a person, what you call your flaws, I call beauty. Please give me another chance, I swear on anything and everything you won’t regret it. I swear, please just let me try, please? PLease just love me.
Look at me begging in some blog that no one will ever see. If anyone did, it wouldn’t be you. I wish I had he guts to send this to you, but last time I poured out my feelings, you just kind of shrugged it off. Ive never been the same since then. I’m miserable. I wish I held not you when you loved me, I wish, I wish, I wish. Your the only thing I want in the world, and I’ll never have you.
I love you. My Rapunzel. Well not my rapunzel I guess. Someone else’s now. Not me, no this fuck up.
I’m going to go drink now.